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Friday, March 10, 2006

   
Eamons Birth Story

Eamon was due on the 20th or 21st, depending on which midwife of mine you asked. I was CRABBY by the end of my pregnancy. I was HUGE, I'd gained 80 pounds at least, I weighed well over 200lbs........I was TIRED OF IT. I refused to be weighed at about 7 months.

So on Saturday, which would have been the 22nd, I went to the bathroom and lost my plug. I was all giddy because with Katie, I'd gone into labor within minutes of losing my plug. I told Lunar. And waiting. Nothing else was happening. I think we kind of lived in this nervous space for a while. The next morning, Sunday, my water broke. A clear gush. I was REALLY excited. I figured I'd be in labor ANY time. I called my midwives and my dad, who drove down 2 hours, and I was sure I'd have the baby in my arms that night.

My midwives came over, and I was fine. Nothing was happening. Other than me having to change my pad every hour because of all the fluid leaking out. Gush gush gush every step I took. Bleh.

As it got to be nighttime, I was getting discouraged. There was no sign of active labor. My midwives were having me take black and blue cohosh, which taste like the most vile dirt you've ever had. I wasn't doing very good with taking the herbs so they encouraged us to walk. As it got later, Lunar and I took a walk or two around the park in the moonlight. I would walk and I would feel very slight twinges, and then we'd get home and nothing would happen. My midwives fell asleep and we went to bed. I was so discouraged.

The next morning my midwives went home and told me take castor oil. I had it with some orange juice concentrate. It wasn't that bad. Nothing happened. They came back in the afternoon, I think they went and delivered another baby actually. They sat me down and said they were concerned because it had been 24 hours since my water had broken and there was NO active labor. So they put me on a regimine. They said they wanted me to go for a SERIOUS LONG walk. And on the walk, I would take the black and blue cohosh, sublingually this time because it would get into my system faster and I wouldn't have to taste it as much, every 15 minutes. I agreed. I was tired of downing gallons of GatorAde.

We headed out. We must have been quite a sight. This hugely pregnant woman and her partner, with these two middle aged women following and then stopping every few blocks to put something under my tounge.

I was getting tired and wanted to head back so we started circling back. As we approached the block we lived on, I felt my first contraction that MEANT something. I squeezed Lunars hand, afraid to make anything of it because of so many false starts before. But by the time I rounded the corner to our apartment, I was just focused on getting home. I had to make it home, I couldn't just collapse in the street.

I made it home and went straight to bed. My midwife wanted to check me then and I didn't want it, I tried to stop her, but I think she figured that I was 3 or 4. And it was about 1:45pm.

I needed to go to the bathroom........the cator oil was working now. I went it and sat on the toilet for a long time even after I was done doing my business. I got hot and took off my shirt, and I think my pants. I sat on the toilet longer, and got hotter, contractions really hitting hard, and looked at the cool linoleum and just laid down on the floor. I felt very much like I did when I was in labor with Katie, I just wanted to lay there and have everyone leave me alone.

I remember knowing I was having contractions because I would feel gushes of fluid between my legs, which later I saw was bloody show.

I think I freaked Lunar out a bit. He came and sat by my head and stroked my hair. He tried to get me to drink but I didn't want to. Everyone wanted me to get off the bathroom floor. I asked "Can I get in the tub" and my midwife said not yet, so I didn't move.

I don't really know how long I laid there, but it felt like Katie's labor......one long contraction that I just had to live through.

At some point, my midwives said it was ok for me to get into the tub and I was THRILLED. I got up and got in, and Lunar got in with me. Once I was in the tub, the contractions became defined, individual contractions, and became much much harder. I could feel them swelling, I could feel the build up, I could feel my belly tightening, I could feel it coming. I had tried to find an "O" word to chant in labor, to encourage my cervix to open, and the only one I could think of at that time was "NO!". So with each contractions, I would scream and moan and hollar "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". Over and over. They would stop and I would rest, laying against Lunar, wanting to fall asleep in the warm water next to my husband, and then the swell would pick up again. Later, Lunar told me how disapointed he was no one called the police because I sounded like someone was killing me. As the contractions progressed, I started having "pushy" contractions.......I felt like my body was bearing down, and it was out of my control. I was really worried because I was sure I wasn't dialated and that I'd push and swell my cervix. So I tried to fight against the pushy contractions, and then I just gave up and let them come.

I don't know how long we were in the tub, but at some point my midwife wanted to check me. I didn't want her to, afraid of hearing that I had a swollen cervix, but she did between contractions as I was in the tub. Deja Vu........she laughed and said "Oh Cyndi, the head is right there. You can push him out now". I was shocked.

They tried to get me to lay back into Lunar and push, basically, on my back. I tried to lay back and I felt like I was completely out of control. I wanted to get on my knees. They seemed like they didn't want that. They said it would be hard for them to get the baby, but I didn't care.

Once I was upright, I was totally aware and clear headed all of the sudden. I was on my knees, leaning over the side of the tub. It felt immediately like gravity pulled the baby down as soon as I sat upright.

I pushed and it BURNED. This was the infamous "ring of fire" you hear about.

I think I pushed one time and his head kind of came out and went back. I freaked out because you hear about pushing for HOURS starting out like this.

I pushed again, burning again, only this time it didn't stop! The contraction ended and I realized that his head was halfway out and I had no contraction to push with! I didn't have the energy to just push, I didn't even know what to do! I panicked a little and I think I said something like "I don't have a contraction! I can't push!". It seemed like FOREVER that I sat there with half a head sticking out of me, but I'm sure it was only a few seconds. With the next contraction, I pushed and ROARED, I think I cursed something like "get the fuck out of me!!!!!!!!!". I remember I made my throat hurt it was so loud. And his head was OUT. The midwives said he was facing down, and because they were behind me, they saw his face underwater and saw him open his eyes.

I pushed one more time and the rest of him slid out. I fell backwards, and someone swung Eamon and his cord under me and up to the surface. He bobbed up and I grabbed him and pulled him to me.

He looked kind of mad, but didn't fuss too much right away. Just squirmed a littled. His nails were dark, his feet looked like his dad's,and he had the darkest eyes you've ever seen. I know we both cried, I don't remember what was said. He had a fair ammount of vernix on him, and while we sat in the tub, I rubbed it into his skin.

After a little while, we got out. My midwives helped me step over the cord and take a few steps to bed. I tried to nurse him, and after a while they cut the cord. I had to push my placenta out, and apparently, it looked perfect.

When I gave Eamon to Lunar while I was getting the placenta out, Eamon pooped a nice meconium poop right on him. :)

He was weighed.....9lbs, 4oz, just and ounce less than his sister, which we joked probably would have been even with Katie had they weighed him BEFORE he pooped.
posted by one smarmy mama 9:46 AM


 
Katie's Birth Story

Katie was due somewhere around the 10th or 11th of April. I don't even remember. I just recall it coming to the 15th and everyone joking about me having a tax day baby. How stupid.

My pregnancy, quite honestly, was a pain in the ass. I had horrific hypermesis (i.e. really really bad morning sickness). I lost nearly 20lbs in the first trimester. I had the worst heartburn you've ever known. I lived with a Costco bottle of Tums all the time. And towards the end, I had really gross, pitting edema (swelling) in my ankles. I had elephant ankles. I would go to class and my class mates would poke them for fun.

So, as April progressed, I stopped answering the phone. Near the 20th, all my symptoms sort of went away and I had this last bit of just peaceful time being pregnant.

I had an appointment with my midwife on the morning of the 26th, and when she examined me, it felt more painful than normally. Afterwards she told me she'd swept my membranes, in the hopes of getting things started. She said if I didn't go into labor by the next day, she was going to make an appointment to induce me. I was TERRIFIED of being induced. I went home and didn't feel anything so I figured she didn't do it right anyways. I tried to go for a walk to get things going.

On the afternoon of the 26th, I went to dinner with my two best friends, Jackie and Julie (sisters) and they took me to a mexican place so I could eat spicy food and "get that baby out!". I had taquitos and nothing happened. I went home and went for another walk and *thought* maybe I felt something. Maybe Braxton Hicks. I didn't know. I went to a meeting at the radio station I worked at and as I was sitting with my friends, I realized I was having small contractions. They were regular tightenings of my stomach. They didn't hurt so much as felt like pressure across my tummy. I didn't doubt it at all. I knew it was labor FINALLY. I sat through the meeting and casually said to my friend Robyn "I think I'm in labor" and everyone gasped and said "ARE YOU OK!!!". I was fine. I finished the meeting and declined everyones offer to drive me home and went home. I was excited but I figured I should get some sleep.........all the books say so. So I went to bed.

Around 1am I was awoken by a contraction that I couldn't sleep through. It was a little bit of a shock. I sat up, went to the bathroom, saw nothing, and didn't feel anything else. So I went back to sleep. At 3am I was awoken again by another similar contraction. Painful enough to jerk you awake, but not so bad as to really feel like much of anything. I laid there, and every five minutes or so, they'd come. Mostly just an uncomfortable tightening of my stomach. So I laid in bed and just rode with it until the sun came up.

I realized this was the day and I was happy and excited and I petered around the house double checking this and that. At about 6am, I realized I hadn't showered and I wanted to look cute in my birth photos (HA!) so I got in the shower. As I was standing in the shower, my first serious contraction hit. It rocked through me and I swear it felt like it was 20 minutes long, although it really was probably only 10 seconds at best. I fumbled out of the shower and tried to breathe.......I tried to do my hair and that lasted about 15 seconds. I had to go to the bathroom and as I sat on the toilet I heard a huge PLOP! and looked in...........bye bye plug. I breathed through a few more contractions, which were tough, but workable. I called Jackie, who was my ride to the birth center, and told her I was in labor. She asked if I needed her, and I put on a brave face. I said "No, take your time and get ready and just come over when you are done".

Between 6:30am and 8:30am, labor got hard. I just labored in my little living room, mostly lying on my side on the couch, just breathing through the contractions. In my feeble attempt to time them, it looked like they were about a minute apart but they only lasted 10-20 seconds. And "all the books" I'd read had said that effective labor contractions were, like, 30 seconds long, or something silly like that. I realized then and there that even the good books didn't know.

When Jackie got there, around 8:30, she freaked out when she walked in. I was lying, moaning on the couch, not getting up. "We have to go NOW" I said. "Why didn't you tell me to come sooner!!" she cried. She'd stopped to get coffee, even, and felt so guilty. I expected labor to be long and I'd told her all along "Don't rush! It'll take forever!".

Jackie helped me up and out to the car. I had to stop and squat in the driveway through each contraction. It probably took me about twenty minutes to get to her car which was 10 feet from my front door.

The drive was torture. It was 15 miles up a curvy road into the mountains. I gripped the door handle with each contraction, but I was silent. I'm sure I was freaking Jackie out big time. The drive I'd made a million times in the past few months seemed to last forever.

We arrived at the birth center and Jackie pulled into one of the "emergency" spaces right in front of the front door. Again, I had to stop and squat in the parking lot with each contraction. Jackie told me later she thought someone was going to run me over.

The birth center, honestly, was a glorified hospital. I'd preregistered and so I walked/crouched in and expected them to let me lay down. Noooooo! First they wanted to check to see if I was REALLY in labor. WTF! They put me in a triage room and tried to hook me up to a monitor. I refused. The nurse started treating me like the "problem" patient. They got someone to check me,which I screamed and squirmed through, and I was something like 3 or 4, so they allowed me to have a room. *rolls eyes*

I walked to the room, stopping with each contraction, and the nurse kept stopping and looking irritated that it was taking me so long to get to a room a few feet away.

I got into my room and my bed and the nurse started asking me all sorts of questions about my fucking medical history. At this point, I'd kind of gone inside myself. I hadn't spoken since I had gotten out of the car and I wouldn't for many many more hours. I was lying on my side, sqeezing my eyes shut, trying to block her out as she bombarded me with questions I refused to answer. The nurse turned to Jackie and said something like "Maybe you can get her to answer" at which point I shoved my hand into her face, in a "stop!" motion. She gave up and left.

The rest of the time is a big sort of blur. I felt like I was in one giant, never ending contraction. I just laid there, in pain, not talking, not wanting anyone else to talk, I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't even realize I was in labor......I wasn't thinking anything except of the pain. It was my life. It was my entire existance right then.

At some point my midwife came and tried to check me. I wouldn't let her. She gave up and walked out. Julie had shown up at some point and the nurse told her to try to give me some grape soda. I took about two sips and threw it up, which in turn, made Julie throw up.

I just wanted to lay there. I had no cognitive thought.........it was all very primal, just wanting to be left alone.

About four hours had passed and my midwife forced a check. I was 10 and complete. So she starts setting the bed up, getting ready for me to push. I DID NOT want to sit up. It hurt horrificly. I DID NOT feel like pushing. I didn't care that she said "This can all be over really soon". I shook my head violently and she went about setting up the bed. She made Jackie and Julie come over and hold my legs up and ordered me to push. I didn't really know what I was doing, and I did what I THOUGHT was pushing and it KILLED. I felt like a knife was stuck into my stomach. I kicked Jackie and Julie away and screamed "NO!" and kind of threw myself back and closed my eyes.

My midwife made some snarky comment about "Oh well.....if she wants to be like that, fine" or something and left. Jackie and Julie later told me how the nurses kept coming in and asking them to talk me into pushing and finally Jackie said "She's not going to do it if she doesn't want to and we're not going to force her".

I laid in my contractions for four more hours. Just laying there, on my side, eyes closed, living in the pain.

Then, completely out of nowhere, I needed to sit up. I'd been barely aware for nearly 8 hours, and all of the sudden, I felt AWAKE. I still didn't feel like I could talk. I just started grasping at the bed rails, trying desperately to pull myself up. Jackie and Julie were dozing in chairs next to me and ran to get a nurse to help me............with they didn't know what. The nurse came in, looked at me, and turned to call for my midwife.

I was sitting up,but the bed wasn't set up for birth......they'd disassembled it from earlier. So my midwife rushed over to check me, and laughed. "YOu can feel your babies head if you want to!". At the time, that seemed really gross. I had no intention of touching whatever globy thing was coming out of me. They quickly raised the bed and took out the bottom so it was more like a birthing chair and I started pushing, on my own. I just felt like I HAD to. And Katie's head came right out. It had been right there all along. And it just popped right out.

Her cord was around her neck and so my midwife told me to pant to stop pushing, which, in my head seemed RIDICULOUS, and so I tried......I really did......but then my body just started pushing anyways. Luckily, she was fast and got the cord off Katie's next and so I put myself into it and she slipped out

They put her up to my chest and the first thing I did was look to see what she was......I hadn't known. And she was a girl, and I looked into her brown eyes and said "Hi Katie!".

The rest of the story kind of sucks. They took her away to wash her. I delivered my placenta and my midwife stitched the small tear I had. I didn't feel it. Katie screamed as they washed her and weighed her. There is a picture of her on the scales, with my dad next to her, and she looks PISSED. They forced me to latch her on, with about five staff watching telling me to do it this way or that. It was akward. And then they put her in a little bassinet next to me and everyone left us. I didn't sleep all night. I kept peeking at her, afaid to wake her but wanting to take her into my bed with me.

I asked for a vegetarian meal and the next morning they brought me some fish thing. It was gross.

I tried to put on an outfit I'd brought from home, that stupidly was pre pregnancy clothes. When I got out of bed the next morning, I was shocked at the apron of belly that flopped down. I put on the maternity clothes I came in with and my dad drove us home.

I found out later that my water had broken sometime during that period of me laying there silently. And I also found out much later that I'd pooped while pushing. I didn't really care.
posted by one smarmy mama 9:45 AM


Monday, March 14, 2005

   
When she was a little girl, and played pretend with her friends, I bet she never once thought she’d get married in a rural town at a country club. That her husband would settle on her because the one he loved the most didn’t love her. That she would give up dreams of becoming a mother in order to not be alone. That there would never be that passion, that spark past the age of 21. That she and her husband would be workaholics who didn’t seem to mind they didn’t see one another but a few hours a week.
posted by one smarmy mama 9:28 AM


Thursday, March 10, 2005

   
They’d been talking you up. “You have to see him! He’s so nice! He’s so funny! He’s the best”. I shrugged it off. They weren’t trying to set us up, they just thought you were funny.

When you came over that night, your new tattoo was glistening with the ointment that you’d put on it. I think you’d gotten it finished that day. And I made fun of you, saying it looked fake.

There was no real interest. No real spark. You looked young and were quiet. That’s all I remember. But I felt bad for making fun of you.
posted by one smarmy mama 9:47 AM


Sunday, January 02, 2005

   
his hand slides down my thigh and up again. upwards, pushing my tee shirt up and of course I know what he wants. and of course I play dumb. I love his act of trying to get me as much as he loves my act of not wanting to be gotten, so we play that game. he whispers in my ear “you’re wearing too many clothes” and I laugh, softly, so no one else in the house can hear. I am lavished with kisses down my neck and back and all I can think is how heavenly it all is.
posted by one smarmy mama 9:03 PM


 
your kisses make my stomach lurch even more than they did three years ago. the look you give me that says it all kills me everyday. my greatest comfort is the warmth of your body that I feel every night. my greatest sadness is waking with you gone, your spot next to me cold. no one in life has ever known me this way, no one has ever had me so completely figured out. you know my worst flaws and still lavish me with your love every hour of every day. how on earth did a girl get so lucky.
posted by one smarmy mama 8:59 PM


Thursday, April 01, 2004

   
I wish that I could speak in a more grown up voice.
I wish I could ignore the facts presented.
I wish I could fight as dirty as she did.
I wish I wasn’t going to bed alone tonight.

Because if I had all these things, I’d be normal, right? I could FEEL normal. I could be like her or her or her. They talk big but think little. They “stoop to that level” and still feel superior. They gave it up to settle.

You have to take all that to be normal. I don’t think I’ll ever be that.

posted by one smarmy mama 12:48 AM


 
Sister, let me tell you a thing or two about love.
Love means never having to say “I’ll give up my desire”
Love means never having to say “Yes you can trample my dreams”
And most definitely
Love means never having to say “Its ok…my feelings aren’t important”

And yet you say you are in love. And yet you say all these things.
Sister, you don’t know what love is.
I wish I could help you find it, but I don’t think you are ready for that trip.
I hope you find your love someday, because this guy ain’t it.

posted by one smarmy mama 12:45 AM


 
Once upon a time, there were two friends. And the friends were such good friends they were nearly siblings at heart.
They drank together and laughed together and many many other things.
And then there was a betrayal. And it happened unexpectedly and suddenly.
It shook their world.
One friend remained indignant and proud.
The other friend always felt a little broken. And even though she was betrayed,on some nights she cried at her loss. She cried for the sister she’d lost, cried for the friend who was never really a friend.
And the friends were friends no more.

posted by one smarmy mama 12:43 AM


 
I’ve lost something that was never mine to begin with. It’s gone away and although I never had it, it’s even further from my grasp than ever before.

It should be gone. It should have left ages ago. It’s best that it’s gone from me and I know it.

But there is still a small sliver of loss I feel for this thing that was never mine.

And it was bad. It would have destroyed me. And it possibly would have destroyed others.

And the odd thing is that I’m sad at the loss. I will miss it probably always.

posted by one smarmy mama 12:39 AM


 
Its strange to think about. You can be edited right out of someones life. One day, there are memories and pictures. Tangible things like left over CDs and letters. And the next day poof you are gone from history, at least from their history. The memories that were said to be cherished are banished to the trash or some such waste receptacle. The tangible things thrown away or hidden. And it’s like a term paper that went over the allotted amount of words. Simply edited to fit. You are highly editable. You can be plucked right out of a time.
posted by one smarmy mama 12:36 AM


Saturday, November 08, 2003

   
As she looks around and sees the men who she’s been with and see’s the men she’s tried to be with who’ve rejected her, it overwhelms her. She realizes she’s given so much of herself and that is now in the trash. They didn’t care for her. The only cared that she had a nice rack and was easy. She doesn’t want to think of herself as easy, but she is. She looks around and they laugh as if life is perfect. And they say they love her but she knows they don’t. She knows she’ll be alone again tonight.
posted by one smarmy mama 11:36 AM


 
The girl stands in the bar. It is dimmly lit, as a good bar should be. This enhances the beer goggles and the various mood altering drugs that will float around the room. It's a small room, connected to another small room and together they are dingy, dirty, sticky, and smell of old vodka and coke. She is disjointed from herself. She sees the men she's been with and they don't care. She tried to pretend she didn't care either. But her heart was bigger than it should be and she cared. And she’s scarred now. She can’t help it.
posted by one smarmy mama 11:34 AM


 
Everyday, there is a new toy for her. Somedays, that toy is love or lust and somedays it’s creativity and passion. They are all toys to her for she never takes any of them seriously. She bought a very expensive instrument and spent HOURS saying how tirelessly she’d practice and how she WOULD master it and yet it sits in a corner, of course, dusty and neglected. She says she wants love and cries at the torment of not having it. Of course, her dignity and self respect are in some dusty corner, too. Tonight she’ll give it up again.
posted by one smarmy mama 11:30 AM


 
He is a little boy trapped in the rather attractive body of a man. But make no mistake, he is a boy. He doesn’t know what life is like and he can’t see or feel anything that is outside of him. He is of the mistaken notion that what he knows to be right IS right and things he condemns ARE wrong. He hasn’t learned, he hasn’t fallen, he hasn’t taken life lessons he’s been given as the opportunities they are. He’s short sighted and he thinks his initials are cooooool. Someday he’ll learn. Maybe it won’t be too late.
posted by one smarmy mama 11:27 AM


 
You say you feel used at the end of it all. And I want to slap your face. I used you? Oh really! That’s interesting, considering it was me who came to your side at midnight after a horrid phone call…it was me who said “come into my home” when you felt alone and sad…it was me who stood by you when no one else would…it was me who wanted your special day to be extra special at the expense of food for my family. I could go on, and deep in your heart (if it is deep) you know.
posted by one smarmy mama 11:25 AM


Friday, August 29, 2003

   
over and over and over again I try to make amends.

I’m not really sure why, except when I look in your eyes in the picture I keep on my desk, I’m drawn.

It’s like a drug, but then again I don’t know for sure…I’ve never been a drug addict, just a you addict.

sometimes I hear your voice and you aren’t around. it sends a chill up my back. it does.

sometimes I hear your name and I am almost torn from the path I’m on…my feet are swept from under me……. there are rocks below…. I don’t care.

posted by one smarmy mama 3:12 PM


 
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